I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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