We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
