I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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