Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
