Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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