Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
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All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
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