My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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