I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
