i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
