I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
