Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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