he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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