Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
