we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
