I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
