Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
