remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I think people are normalizing furries
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
