What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
