well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
