my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
