a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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