I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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