i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
