Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
