I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
