i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
