Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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