this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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