Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
