the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
