Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
