Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
