And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
