Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.