I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He passed out mid-signature
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line