I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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