My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
