just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
