Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
