dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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