Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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