Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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