Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
