I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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