I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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