his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
