I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
