But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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