You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
