We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
