Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
