I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
