the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
