so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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