just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
