Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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